


Artist's Lament

by trashquing



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Writer's Block
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-22 02:49:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13157676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashquing/pseuds/trashquing
Summary: Why is nothing connecting?Perhaps it wouldn’t be so tragic if this block didn’t affect his grades, but even essays and simple summaries were a battle. Less-than impressive assignments just barely making their deadlines and his story put on hold. He could live with the dip in his follower count; he was merely writing about two fictional characters falling in love in one out of a hundred million other ways, but… it made him feel good.No, what he couldn’t live with was how he sat there, staring at a blank document that should have been overflowing with text, one page following another as he would tap away at the keys with annoying persistence be it a summary, an essay, or a fan made work.





	1. Tired

It had been going on three weeks. 

Three weeks since the last time Ennoshita’s fingertips grazed the surface of his laptop keyboard for anything more than relentless word-vomit, struggling to capture the scene in mind with the right phrasing. Nothing made sense, nothing flowed, nothing connected. Why is nothing connecting? Perhaps it wouldn’t be so tragic if this block didn’t affect his grades, but even essays and simple summaries were a battle. Less-than impressive assignments just barely making their deadlines and his story put on hold. He could live with the dip in his follower count; he was merely writing about two fictional characters falling in love in one out of a hundred million other ways, but… it made him feel good. 

No, what he couldn’t live with was how he sat there, staring at a blank document that should have been overflowing with text, one page following another as he would tap away at the keys with annoying persistence be it a summary, an essay, or a fan made work. 

Instead of his usual unhealthy posture, curved over his laptop close enough his eyelashes could caress the screen, he was pressed back and nearly sunken in his chair with his fingers laced together beneath his chin; glaring at the monitor. He had been sitting there for over five hours, switching between staring at the document and browsing various social networks, hoping to get some sudden inspiration to work on this essay: a Discussion of Equality, which he should be all over. Which he would be all over, vigorously, if he only had the energy. 

Ennoshita rubbed his hands down his face, groaning in aggravation. 

“I am just not getting this done tonight,” he groused, pushing himself from his chair in a huff. He closed his laptop with more force than necessary and unceremoniously threw himself in his bed. After a moment or two, he turned his head to squint at his bedside clock mocking him, the annoying numbers declaring it was a quarter past three in the morning. Great. Just great. Grumbling, he buried his face deeper in the pillows only to ungracefully snort awake four hours later, his alarm clock blaring. 

It goes without saying that he was tired. He was tired and he knew he looked tired. Well, more so than he did before. It’s been getting harder to focus at school, slowly but surely; his mind going back to the assignments left unfinished on his desk, to the documents left blank on the screen. And every worried glance from his teachers, he felt his chest sink in guilt. If he couldn’t manage a summary, let alone an essay or long winded chapter, then what was he going to do? It’s not like he doesn’t have the time, even with Volleyball, he always managed to write up a hundred words a night minimum. What was wrong with him? Maybe he just… lost his spark. 

Maybe he was at his peak. 

A total sellout before he even began. 

People were counting on him but how could he tell them it was all a ruse -- he didn’t know how to write! He had no clue what he was doing! All these people looked up to his writing and they didn't deserve to be tricked like this. He should stop while he's ahead, before it all comes crashing down.

 

***

 

“Chikaraaa… Chika...” the voice calling him was familiar. Ennoshita rubbed the blurry sleep from his eyes, Tanaka coming into view. He blinked a few times, registering his surroundings. Why was Tanaka in his classroom? What time was it?

“You know, Chikara, I never took you for the type to sleep through your classes,” Tanaka was poised with his elbows on Ennoshita’s desk, head in his hands with a dumb grin, obnoxiously close to his face. Nothing out of the usual.

“You're right,” Ennoshita hummed, forcing a tired smile, he continued with a yawn, “that's more your style, huh?” His response was met with an instantaneous pout from the other, a strangely cute scene before him.

“Mean Chikara, you should be thankful. I came to check on ya since you weren't there when practice started, y’know, makin’ sure you were still alive-”

“Practice!?” Ennoshita stood quickly. His brain pounded with the quick movements, hands finding his head hoping to ease the throbbing, “God I- I can't believe I-” Jesus, is he really late for practice? More importantly, did he really sleep through his last class? Ennoshita pulled out his phone, almost dropping it in the process, and fuck he should have been there fifteen minutes ago!

Tanaka rose to his feet after Ennoshita, his hands out like he was taming a wild beast, “Whoa, whoa, Chika. It’s fine. I already told coach and Dai-san you might’ve been talkin’ to a teacher about your grades or somethin’ nerdy like that.” His hands were cautious, his expression laced with concern. Ennoshita bit his tongue and feigned visible relaxation at the information.

“Right,” Ennoshita sighed, “thank you, Tanaka,” slipping his phone back into his pocket he pulled his bag over his shoulder, “I guess we should head to practice?” Ennoshita offered, taking Tanaka’s broad smile as a yes.

 

***

 

Tanaka's grin could cure a lot of things. He'd even go so far as to say Tanaka’s grin could cure anything. Anything but this, whatever this was. It made him feel obligated to give a small smile back, or at least try to. He couldn't muster much more than that - those five seconds of panic using far more energy than he was prepared for - and to be honest, Ennoshita didn't want to go to practice. His time right now would be better spent sleeping. Alas, he would go, though. For Tanaka - so he wouldn't have to see that damn disappointed look.

As they took their time heading back to the gym, he kept his gaze on the floor. Ennoshita was thankful for the leisurely pace, wanting to save what energy he could for practice, but each casual step was torture with Tanaka's eyes burning holes in the side of his head. He closed his own and sighed before glancing at the other. “Yes?” Ennoshita’s tone pressed. He didn't mean to come off so irritated but he couldn't handle Tanaka’s recent habit of suspicious glares at him, like he was looking for leaks in a dam.

Tanaka’s stare broke off in favor of looking straight ahead, pursing his lips - or was he pouting? - as he searched for what to say. Ennoshita squinted, tempted to cut him off - _well if you don't have anything to say—_

“Chikara, are you doing okay?”

Ennoshita blinked. 

Right. Tanaka, perceptive as ever. He gave the him a bright grin, “Yeah, Tanaka. I'm just… tired is all.”

It was Tanaka's turn to squint in his direction, “You're always tired, Chika.”

Ennoshita huffed a laugh. 

“Hm,” he started thoughtfully, trying to humor the other as best he could, “yeah, you're right. I am, but recently… I've been _really_ tired.”


	2. Patient

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :')

Tanaka watched intently as Ennoshita’s eyes drooped, looking far off as he expressed his exhaustion, pulling his lips into a tight line, wondering if he should continue prodding and poking. 

He'd hate for Ennoshita to resent him, but he was changing. Not necessarily for the best. It was gradual, something most wouldn't expect for Tanaka to notice, but he did. He’s not sure how to explain the shift he saw in Ennoshita a few weeks back, but the other was frustrated. It was obvious Ennoshita was holding back his anger and he wasn’t as responsive; rather focused on the ground, scowling like it had wronged him. 

He kept his comments to himself. He’s kept everything to himself for the past several days, and nobody noticed.

Tanaka did.

More recently, Ennoshita’s face had softened. His eyebrows were no longer scrunched in irritation, his expression painfully plain. His eyes practically lifeless and his dimples given a rest. Tanaka watched him gracefully slip into melancholy, and everytime he tried to confront Ennoshita about it he was brushed off with a fake smile and dead eyes. It continued on to the next day when Ennoshita was late to practice. Afraid of this being like before when the boy had given up on Volleyball, Tanaka offered to go look for him. 

It was surprisingly easy, finding the boy head down on his desk, arms covering his face. Tanaka selfishly gave Ennoshita a few more minutes, enjoying the soft sound of the others snores before he gently shook him awake. Ennoshita would follow him to practice, even though he looked less than thrilled to be there, but he would work just as hard. 

The guy was dedicated to the sport, Tanaka could appreciate that.

It became routine, Tanaka once again finding Ennoshita asleep at his desk. This time his head was propped up and just barely seconds from slipping off his fist. 

Biting his tongue, Tanaka tiptoed to Ennoshita’s desk, taking one last glance around the room for any witnesses before cupping a hand by his mouth and leaning down to blow in the others ear. 

He expected the loud yelp and fumbling of Ennoshita’s hands. Getting smacked in the face by said fumbling hands, however, was a surprise. 

He stumbled back, holding his nose and gave Ennoshita a surprised, quizzical look. 

At first, Tanaka expected Ennoshita to brush him off, telling him he was fine or that he _‘shouldn't have snuck up on me in the first place, you big baby’._

Instead he got Ennoshita hovering over him, cupping his face and tilting his head as he examined his nose, apologizing every five seconds. It wasn't even bruised later, so Ennoshita fussed for nothing. 

Knowing that he cared was a nice touch, though.

 

***

 

That's what brought them here in the now, a week later, heading to practice. Ennoshita seemed to have just enough strength to give a fake smile and a witty response. 

At this point, Tanaka figured with whatever was going on, a false laugh was better than none. 

Maybe. 

He just wished Ennoshita trusted him enough to let him in and tell him what's wrong, but that's not something you can push. He wants to let Ennoshita meet him halfway when he's ready. So, for right now, he’s just going to try and be patient.

Patient. Tanaka? _Right._

 

***

 

When they arrived at the doors of the gym, Tanaka paused. Ennoshita continued a few more steps before he glanced over his shoulder. 

“Tanaka?”

“Um, Chika, I wanted to ask you somethin’,” Tanaka started off, rubbing the back of his neck, “I totally get it if you're busy but finals are comin’ up in a few weeks and if you were up for it --”

Ennoshita gave what almost seemed like a genuine, warm smile, making Tanaka’s heart flutter, “Yes, Tanaka, I'll help you study for your finals.”

Tanaka met Ennoshita’s smile with a broad grin of his own. “Yes! Awesome. Thank you!”

“Did you really think I wouldn’t? If your grades aren't up to par, practice matches and training camps are out of the question,” Ennoshita said in his usual deadpan tone, but something was still off, like he was starting to force the words. It was almost mechanical. Did Ennoshita really think he wouldn't notice? 

With his bottom lip tortured between his teeth he nodded, “Right, yeah. I mean- no, of course I figured you might but it didn't hurt to ask…?” _Damn it, Tanaka, no need to get bashful now. That didn't sound the least bit convincing._

Ennoshita was giving him another soft smile, just barely, as he sighed.

“Are you sure _you're alright_ , Tanaka?”

“Haha, yeah, um. I'm sure.” Tanaka grinned, wide and bright, to prove it as he continued walking, “We should actually… head in, we're late enough as it is.”

This time, Ennoshita stayed put, grabbing the back of Tanaka's uniform jacket. Tanaka peered over his shoulder at the other with a quirked eyebrow, ignoring the fluttery jump in his chest. His eyes scanned over Ennoshita whose eyes were back to scowling at the ground of the walkway, lips pressed together in a tight line as his grip tightened on Tanaka’s jacket.

“Thank you, Tanaka,” Ennoshita mumbled, just barely above a whisper.

“Uh. Sure thing, Chika,” Tanaka blinked, ignoring the swoop of his stomach beneath him, “it doesn't bug me none to wake ya up or nothin’. Can't have our future captain missing practice again now can we?”

Ennoshita met Tanaka’s eyes after a moment, this time his smile timid but sincere, “No, just, um... Thanks. For caring.” 

With that, Ennoshita smoothed the back of Tanaka's jacket where he took hold and made his way past Tanaka and into the gym. Tanaka quickly scrambled after him.


	3. Disappointed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This, however,” Kobayashi emphasized, pushing a very thin stack of papers stapled together towards Ennoshita, “I will not stand for. Not only is it late, but it is poorly written, and doesn’t meet even the minimal standards I set. I expected so much more from you, Ennoshita. So much better from you. Needless to say, I am disappointed.”

_“The light broke through the shades of the window, illuminating his hair in a striped pattern…”_ Ugh. No.

_“The light shone…”_ No.

_“A meteor crashed into the Earth suddenly, killing them instantly so the writer is free from his tasks. Wahoo!”_ Sure. Perfect. 

Ennoshita closed his laptop, grimacing as his other late, unfinished homework assignments caught his eye. 

Then the kicker when he turned in his first late essay - the one he had trouble with just days prior, e-mailing it with a less than enthusiastic click of his mouse, writing just barely the bare minimum he was allowed. It was half-assed and overall disappointing for a topic like that, and Ennoshita didn't want to think about the look he would get from his teacher. 

Ennoshita constantly found himself blurry-eyed as he stared at the screen with growing frustration. It always bubbled in his gut and settled deep in his core, leaving him glaring like it was the laptop's fault he couldn't do anything right. Where was his inspiration? His motivation? His so-called talent for penmanship people often admired. Were they lying to him? Waiting for him to fuck it all up and outlive his fame? Had this been a script, something marvelous should happen about know. Just when he thought all hope was lost, he’d come to a realization about his self worth being more than just his ability to write and suddenly the inspiration would find him.

If only.

 

***

 

The following week, Ennoshita felt his interest in class plummeting, this feeling of nothingness crammed in his chest with overwhelming guilt as his teachers watched him, expressions unsure and full of pity. He stared out the window bitterly, just hardly paying attention to the drawl of words, having a difficult time processing them as anything but noise. 

The class dragged on, each tick of the clock was harsh and loud, making his ears ring as his mind fog. Somewhere along the way he had stopped listening and stopped thinking.

 

***

 

When he opened his eyes this time, Ennoshita was disappointed to find his teacher staring down at him instead of Tanaka, selfishly accustomed to the other boy’s presence when he would stir awake. The teacher's lips pursed, hands on her hips, and Ennoshita realized the lesson wasn't over yet.

“Ennoshita Chikara, you will see me after class,” the classroom was deathly still, everyone's surprise so thick he could feel its heavy press on his shoulders. He blinked the sleep away instantly and sat up right, giving a small nod. 

“Y-yes, Kobayashi-sensei.”

The remaining twenty minutes were torture. He kept his gaze straight ahead, his vision waning and darkening around the edges as the pressure on his shoulders turned cold. Ennoshita just wanted to leave at this point. Forget class, forget volleyball practice, forget all of this. All of this! He wanted to be home, in his bed, without this itch to puke that was numbing his jaw and suffocating him. 

_Shit._

He needed to calm down. Now. He bounced his leg to relieve some of the adrenaline as he took a slow, shaky breath. 

His deep breaths steadied as the minutes ticked on, but his heart was still racing. He was so tired, and this pull at his chest wasn’t helping. He pressed his eyes closed as the teacher released the class at the sound of the bell and waited a few more seconds before he pushed himself up from his desk slowly, pulling his bag over his shoulders, his movements almost mechanical as he dragged on to the desk positioned at the front of the room. The walls curved and the floor melted as he neared the inevitable talk. Shaking himself from the warped surroundings, Ennoshita’s eyes met the floor once again, becoming rather familiar with the white tiles sprinkled with browns and blues.

“Ennoshita,” Kobayashi’s voice was stern, sharp and stabbing making him wince, “I imagine you already have an idea of what I have to say. Don’t you?”

“Yes, Kobayashi-sensei…”

“Well, I’m going to say it anyways, just so you know where I stand.” She crossed her arms, tilting back in her chair. “I have been far more than forgiving these past weeks, letting you sleep through class, thinking you were tired from your studies and from volleyball practice. I let the Less-than deserving assignments graze by with low C’s, I let the summaries by with low B’s. This, however,” Kobayashi emphasized, pushing a very thin stack of papers stapled together towards Ennoshita, “I will not stand for. Not only is it late, but it is poorly written, and doesn’t meet even the _minimal_ standards I set. I expected so much more from you, Ennoshita. So much _better from you_. Needless to say, I am _disappointed._ ”

The sharp intake of breath was cold, the tiles beneath Ennoshita’s feet becoming blurry. He squeezed his eyes closed to fight back the sting behind his eyes. Fuck, he couldn’t cry now. With one last shaky breath, he lifted his head and nodded. 

“I understand, sensei, I… I’ll try harder.” He pushed a smile to the forefront, but Kobayashi didn’t buy it. A range of emotions flashed across her face before the expression settled down with confusion and concern. Maybe a bit of sympathy.

“Ennoshita, what’s been going on with you? Are you alright?”

“Of course,” Ennoshita’s smile strained, “I’m just not trying hard enough, I’m sorry.” He bowed, “If you’ll excuse me, sensei, I must get to practice.”

Kobayashi sighed, “Yes, of course, but before you go,” she passed the offending essay off to him. “I didn’t bother correcting it. I’ll give you two weeks to rewrite this essay, that is _more_ than enough time. I do not give second chances, so please don’t make me regret this.”

Ennoshita gripped the failed essay tightly, nodding as he bowed once more. “Thank you, sensei. I won’t let you down again.”

Kobayashi offered a tight smile, nodding in return, “I’m counting on it. Now go.”


	4. Reassurance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Chika, are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Tanaka knew the answer but, it was better than asking if he was okay, when he obviously wasn’t. He felt Ennoshita shake his head against his shoulder before pulling away, eyes rimmed red like he was trying not to cry.
> 
> “I can’t it’s… it’s stupid, really.”
> 
> Tanaka scowled at that, pulling Ennoshita back in his arms, “Bullshit. If it’s making you feel like this, it ain’t stupid. You hear me? It ain’t stupid…”

Tanaka had started to walk inside Ennoshita’s classroom, catching Ennoshita solemnly walking towards Kobayashi-sensei, who looked irritated, before quickly stepping out and wrapping himself behind the door frame. He really shouldn’t eavesdrop like this but, he was worried. Especially after the heavy silence that followed Kobayashi voicing her disappointment.

When he heard the crack in Ennoshita’s voice as he forced a cheery tone, weak laughter following. Something was going on with him but... 

_Why does he keep lyin’ to me?_

He waited patiently just outside the classroom for Ennoshita, who rushed past him just moments later. Tanaka reached out, his arm curling around his waist to catch him, “Whoa, hey, Chika, where’s the fire?” He joked half-heartedly, his teasing smile dropping once Ennoshita looked up at him with wet eyes.

“Please, Tanaka, I... I just want to go home.” Ennoshita was looking away from him again, and Tanaka let go of him, carefully. 

“Right,” he swallowed his sinking heart, “let me walk you home then.”

The other looked hesitant, if not reluctant, to accept his offer, and Tanaka prepared for the rejection as Ennoshita stood, wringing his hands thoughtfully.

“Um. I-I… I mean…” he sighed, defeated, “sure, I’d... I would appreciate it, but… what about practice?”

“Skipping one practice won’t hurt me none. If you’re not feelin’ too hot, you shouldn’t walk home by yourself.” 

“Okay,” Ennoshita sighed again, “okay, yeah. You’re right. You sure it’s alright? I could always ask Narita or Kinoshita…”

“Nonsense. I offered! O’course I’m sure.” Tanaka grinned, pulling Ennoshita close by tossing an arm over his shoulders as they headed out. Even as they continued out the doors of the school’s main entrance, he kept his arm secure around the other, selfishly relishing in the way Ennoshita leaned into the friendly embrace. He shouldn’t be enjoying this closeness, not when Ennoshita was hurting like this. This was for Ennoshita, not him, but part of him still hoped Ennoshita wanted the affection as much as he did. Even on platonic terms.

Ennoshita stayed tucked beneath Tanaka’s arm as they walked, arms crossed almost folding into himself. Tanaka wasn’t sure what was going on in that brilliant mind but it didn’t seem to be all that great. Going on a whim, he hugged Ennoshita tighter, chewing the inside of his cheek at the possibly risky, abrupt gesture. Ennoshita only looked up at Tanaka for a moment, brief, contemplative. Then his eyes were back on the sidewalk, pressing closer, making Tanaka’s heart jump into his throat, fighting the urge to choke on it. He had it so bad it was almost embarrassing at this point.

They walked in complete, just barely comfortable silence all the way to Ennoshita’s doorstep where they readied themselves to depart. Tanaka stood there, a hand cupping the nape of his neck. He needed to say something, he just didn't know what. He opened his mouth to start when Ennoshita cut him off, looking nervous. Bashful, even.

“Actually, Tanaka, could you, um… not go? I'll be honest I… I don't think I should be by myself right now.” 

Tanaka blinked, eyebrows furrowed in concern. _Doesn't think he should be by himself right now -- what does that mean?_ Nonetheless he nodded, stepping onto the patio as Ennoshita turned to unlock the door, leading him inside. It's not like he's never been to Ennoshita’s home before. No, he's come here loads of times. Usually with Noya and Ennoshita’s friends, never by himself. 

Now, he wasn't embarrassed about being alone with Ennoshita in his home, he was more… worried. It seemed colder now, not as lived in as it was when they all came over to study. He scanned the living room, how tidy it was, how it looked like a stage set up. Fake.

His eyes met Ennoshita’s again and the other nearly crumbled beneath his gaze, looking utterly helpless, arms crossed over his chest like he was physically trying to hold himself together. Tanaka was unsure of how to feel seeing him in such a vulnerable state, and while Ennoshita tried to offer his home to Tanaka's comfort -- a meek voice telling him he could help himself to whatever and make himself comfortable -- he pulled Ennoshita into a hug.

Ennoshita froze at the tight embrace, and for a moment Tanaka was content with just holding Ennoshita like this until he felt arms slowly wrap around his waist and start to squeeze. He was letting himself let go, piece by piece, in front of Tanaka. Tanaka, who appreciated the trust, who took this trust -- starting to see how Ennoshita truly felt -- and held it as close as he held Ennoshita now. Saying Tanaka looked up to Ennoshita was an understatement. He admired him and his ability to take charge and put others in their place just as their current captain did. Little did Ennoshita know, he was the only reliable candidate. Maybe his receives weren’t as strong, so what? Maybe he felt inadequate compared to the regulars, so what? It’s one of those somethings that changes with practice and time on the court. You live, you learn, you try again.

“Chika, are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Tanaka knew the answer but, it was better than asking if he was okay, when he obviously wasn’t. He felt Ennoshita shake his head against his shoulder before pulling away, eyes rimmed red like he was trying not to cry.

“I can’t it’s… it’s stupid, really.”

Tanaka scowled at that, pulling Ennoshita back in his arms, “Bullshit. If it’s making you feel like this, it ain’t stupid. You hear me? It ain’t stupid…” 

They stayed like that for a while, arms around each other and holding on like they were afraid to let go. Sometimes Ennoshita’s grip faltered, then it would tighten in apology and he would shake as he fought off tears. Was it frustration? Disappointment? Sadness? Whatever it was, it wasn’t good, and it was tearing Ennoshita up inside. Tanaka respected Ennoshita’s small call for help, admitting he shouldn’t be by himself right now. Inner turmoil could make you do some terrible things, say terrible things. It’ll make you feel like it’s the only option, and sometimes there’s no going back from it.

At some point, they found themselves in Ennoshita’s room, in his bed, Tanaka curled around him protectively and Ennoshita’s face buried in his chest. They didn’t say much, but they didn’t need to. What Ennoshita needed right now was reassurance, that someone was there. That someone noticed, that someone cared.

Their breathing synced as time passed on. Physically, Ennoshita was calm, but Tanaka could practically feel the buzz of his mind going miles a minute. So he squeezed, bringing Ennoshita even closer, trying to engulf him in comfort. Ennoshita no longer held onto Tanaka’s shirt, instead his arms fell limp between their bodies, accepting Tanaka’s affection wholly.


	5. Guilt: pt. 1

Tanaka’s phone had been gently vibrating in his back pocket the entire time. Probably Daichi wondering where the Hell he was. He wouldn't be surprised if a few texts from Suga or Noya fell in the mix. _What time was it anyways?_ The sky just outside Ennoshita’s window was darkening when suddenly the bright headlights of a car blinded them through the curtains. Ennoshita’s mother must be home, but neither of them made a move to get up.

They stayed put, even as the front door opened and closed and Ennoshita’s mother announced her return. Only when she tread up the stairs towards them, flicking on the lights as she entered Ennoshita’s room did Tanaka move, peering over his shoulder at woman who stood in the doorway.

“Hi, Ennoshita-san,” he greeted, still holding her son close, grinning sheepishly.

“Hello, Tanaka-kun, it's nice to see you again. Is everything alright? Chikara?” She asked, tilting her head to look past Tanaka at her son who had fallen asleep curled against him. 

“He's had a rough day, Ennoshita-san,” Tanaka answered for him, rubbing his back gently as he slept.

“Alright,” Ennoshita’s mother sighed, moving her hands to her hips, “well, I imagine you're staying for dinner, right? Make sure he's up in at least an hour.”

“Yes, ma'am.” Tanaka grinned, resting his head back against the pillow as Ennoshita’s mother turned off the light and shut the door. He listened to her fading steps, releasing a breath he didn't know he was holding, pleasantly surprised by the mother's lack of negative reaction to a boy she's only met twice cuddling her son. 

While Ennoshita’s soft snores filled the room, Tanaka pulled his phone out, sorting through the missed calls and messages, correctly predicting he'd get a few from Suga and Noya, but mostly all of the notifications were Daichi. The clock in the corner of his screen told him it was a few minutes past five, so he quickly eased the minds of his friends with a small text about Ennoshita not feeling well and needed someone to walk him home. It wasn't necessarily a lie, so he didn't have to worry about any guilt. It just wasn't his place to tell them the whole reason he didn't show up. If Ennoshita wanted to tell him or the others, he would, but right now talking about it wasn't useful to him. Not right now when he's thinking it's a dumb reason to be upset. 

Tanaka kept his eyes on the time, his phone screen nearly blinding him in the dark room in the process. He watched as the minutes ticked on slowly until the clock had shown it was now going on six o’ clock. With a small sigh, he shoved his phone back in his pocket so he could proceed to wake up the sleeping beauty next to him.

Or, _attempt_ to apparently. 

He was already a couple tries in, gently shaking Ennoshita’s shoulder, nudging and poking at his face, even lifting his eyelids, but no luck. The guy was out cold. 

Tanaka shimmied out of their comfortable cocoon of tangled limbs and far too many blankets than he thought necessary for one person. The pile of pillows he didn't mind. It meant he didn't have to fight for one to prop himself up… the blankets, however, were everywhere. He wasn't sure where one blanket ended and the other began, even confusing him on whose leg was who’s as he lifted himself from the mess of a bed, successfully throwing himself off in the process. Tanaka landed with a surprisingly soft thud, catching himself about halfway. 

He managed to catch the sound of Ennoshita rustling in the sheets before peering over the side of his nest of blankets and pillows.

“Tanaka?” Ennoshita asked tentatively, sleep heavy in his voice, “Everything okay?”

“Really, that's what woke you?” Tanaka hissed, though there was no real bite to his words. As Ennoshita rubbed sleep from his eyes, Tanaka pushed himself to his feet. “C’mon, your ma came home about an hour ago, she's expecting us to be down for dinner.”

“Us?”

“Yes, us. As in you an’ me--”

“--you and _I_ \--”

“Gazuntite. Anyways, she's expecting you an’ _I_ to be ready for dinner,” Tanaka rolled his eyes, glad to see that the small nap brought Ennoshita back to himself for the time being, “and if you think I'm skippin’ out on a mother-made home cooked meal, you'd be sorely mistaken.” 

With that, Ennoshita groaned and gave in, pushing himself off his bed and started towards the door. “Fine, fine, okay. I'm up.” 

Tanaka watched the boy take the stairs one at a time before following suit, trodding two at a time until his feet hit the polished wooden floor. The heavenly smell of food hit him and he was sold, waltzing into the kitchen to help his friend set up the table, grinning in Chikara’s mother’s direction.

“Ennoshita-san,” he began, “did I ever tell you you're a saint? A beautiful angel sent from the heavens to bless our foul souls that taint this Earth?” He continued to flutter his eyelashes at Ms. Ennoshita’s side. Ennoshita’s mother only offered a smirk and a glance towards Tanaka before finishing up her cooking.

“No, I'm afraid not Tanaka-kun, but feel free to continue,” she hummed, now serving dinner within the three separate bowls placed at the table. The boys waited patiently for Ennoshita’s mother to seat herself, thanking her for the meal before digging in. Tanaka ate vigorously, like a starving man who had been presented a banquet in his honor. Ennoshita, on the other hand, picked and poked at his food, taking a few bites in between. His mother looked at him curiously, pursing her lips as she debated on whether or not to speak up.

Ennoshita spoke before she had the chance, “Could I actually save this for later? I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.” His eyes were staring pointedly at the bowl in front of him, and if Tanaka didn't know any better he'd say Ennoshita looked almost disappointed in himself for not being hungry.

“Sure, of course sweetie.” Ms. Ennoshita started to stand to put it away herself but Ennoshita beat her to the punch.

“No, no, mom, please. I've got it, you enjoy dinner. I can put it away myself, okay?” Ennoshita’s tone was sincere, pushing himself from the table and putting his dinner in a small container for the fridge. He bowed before Tanaka and his mother, “I'm sorry. Enjoy dinner, I'll just… be in my room.”

Just like that, Ennoshita fell two steps back. Maybe it was Tanaka's wishful thinking that a nap could cure whatever Ennoshita’s problem was. He finished up his portion of dinner nonetheless, making small talk with Ennoshita’s mother until she shooed him off to go check on her kid.

He did just that, poking his head into Ennoshita’s room, finding the boy wrapped in his many blankets. With a snort, he entered the room and kneeled on the bed beside his friend. “Chikaraaa, your mom told me to check on yooou~” His voice carried in a sing-song fashion, draping over the bundle that Ennoshita hid beneath. 

From the covers he heard a tiny grumble as Ennoshita tried to pull the covers over his head. No luck since Tanaka’s weight over the blankets was like a damned cement block. He continued to groan and mumble his discontent as Tanaka poked for his attention.

“C’mon, Chika, at least tell me you're still gonna help me with my finals next week.” Now Tanaka pouted as Ennoshita gave into peering from under his blankets, wearing a very familiar expression of irritation and disdain. There's the boy he's come to know (and really _like_ ).

“I already said I would, didn't I?”

“Yeah,” Tanaka dragged the last syllable with uncertainty, “but, a lot’s been going on with you so, like, tell me if you're not up for it now and I won't bother ya. Promise.”

Ennoshita raised a brow, not believing him for a second. Tanaka could only offer a sheepish grin. He'd love for Ennoshita to help him, but if he wasn't up for the job and not feeling good, Tanaka wasn't about to force him.

“I'll still help you. I should get some extra studying in anyways,” Ennoshita sighed. Tanaka stayed put, sprawled on his stomach over the over and their mountain of blankets, head propped in his hands and his grin became less sheepish, widening in the process. 

He saw the tension between Ennoshita’s eyebrows grow as he laid there, waiting for him to say something.

“Yes, Tanaka?” Ennoshita pushed through grit teeth, eyebrows pinched together and up, smile sweet and eyes closed. Calm, like it wasn't a terrifying expression to date. He really was going to be a great captain. Daichi has taught him well.

Breaking himself from his thoughts with a shake of his head, Tanaka gently kicked his legs off the side of the bed in a childlike manner, “Can I stay the night?”

Ennoshita blinked once, then twice, giving Tanaka a peculiarly owlish look, “Um, I guess, if you want to?” 

“Well, I can't imagine why I'd ask if I _didn't_ want to, Chika.”

“Don't be a brat, Tanaka,” he squinted, not putting up much a fight otherwise, looking just about as threatening as a small kitten rolled into a blanket, burrito-style, “I welcomed you to my home.”

“Barely,” Tanaka said through an obnoxious yawn, moving to remove his uniform jacket, followed by his shirt. He plopped back down on Ennoshita’s bed, adjusting to make himself more comfortable before he was met face to face with a wad of blankets, knocked off the bed for the second time.

“Chika! What was that for?”

“What do you mean _what for_? You were getting into my bed! _Shirtless_!” Ennoshita kicked the rest of the blankets off, making way to his dresser, shedding his own uniform jacket along the way. “Jeez. I have stuff for you to sleep in, you know, like a _decent_ human being,” Ennoshita huffed, folding his jacket on his dresser before opening one of the top drawers, pulling out some sweatpants and a shirt for the both of them.

Tanaka quirked a brow, “I sleep shirtless all the time, plus it's not like it's the first time you've seen me--”

“I _know_ ,” he cut him off, “I know, _but_ if you plan on sleeping in my bed, you're gonna wear clothes, you hear me?” Ennoshita tossed the lounge clothes in Tanaka’s direction, holding back a smirk at how they smacked the other in the face. “Besides, you shouldn't sleep in your uniform, it'll get all wrinkled. Er, well…” he picked up Tanaka's jacket, sighing at the state of it, “more wrinkled.”

“I was still gonna wear my pants at least, but you're right. No uniform.” With that, Tanaka shoved his pants off in favor of the night clothes offered to him. He noticed the way Ennoshita quickly turned around at the action, then proceeded to change as well. Tanaka's eyes lingered a little longer before forcing himself to focus on the very super important task of putting on the sweat pants. Ennoshita’s sweatpants to be exact. 

With a brain rattling shake of his head Tanaka refocused on the only other recurring thought throughout this night - was he being selfish by being here? At the same time, he knew Ennoshita needed him - er, needed _someone_ but… Tanaka shouldn't be enjoying Ennoshita’s need for comfort like he was, shouldn’t be enjoying the hospitality like he was. Damn it. However, he also shouldn’t be putting himself down at a time like this. He finished pulling up the sweatpants with a small hop or two, disregarding the shirt completely. With a curious glance in Ennoshita direction, Tanaka discovered a new quirk of his friend’s, and damn himself if it wasn’t his favourite quirk so far.

Ennoshita apparently put his shirt on before his pants. Not abnormal and definitely not unwelcome, but how had he never noticed this before? Without much thought on stopping himself, he grinned. “Nice boxer briefs, Chika.” The other boy yelped in response, dropping the lounge pants from his hands, proceeding to pick them up as quickly as he could before turning around to glare at Tanaka, who only chuckled at his demise. Ennoshita’s face flushed red out of what Tanaka could only assume to be pure irritation.

“Do you ever mind your own business?” Ennoshita snapped, scowling - though his frown looked more like a pout.

“Uh - “ Tanaka blinked his smile faltering a second before it broadened, brightened even, “not particularly, no. I’ve seen you in your underwear before though, Chikara. We’re kinda on the same volleyball team. We kinda get changed in the same club room, ya know.” 

Really, you’d think he’d have better reflexes by now with how often he’s been smacked in the face, barely dodging the pants Ennoshita was just about to put on. Now? Now it was time for revenge. He pulled the pants from his face and watched as Ennoshita extended a hand to him, his other hand rested just above his hip, still standing in front of his dresser across the room. “Hand those back now, please.” He asked, glancing between Tanaka and his lounge pants.

Tanaka’s eyes widened, blinking twice before he cast a sly grin at his friend, lifting the lounge pants in question, “What, these?” With a huff, Ennoshita stepped towards Tanaka, determined to get his pants back.

“ _Yes_ , those. You brat - give them here!” Ennoshita reached for the pants, raising himself on the tips of his toes, only to have Tanaka pull them away. He leaned back far enough that Ennoshita had to push against him to even get close to the pants wadded up in Tanaka’s fist.

They wrestled like that a few minutes longer, Tanaka cackling on the floor beneath an Ennoshita trying to repress his laughter in favor of acting like he wasn't totally enjoying himself. Tanaka knew better than to believe the frustrated groans when Ennoshita was grinning above him. It was almost like the boy's troubles of the day were completely forgotten, at least for now. Tanaka could at least give him that. He could also give him _this_. 

A shrill squeal broke through the room as Tanaka’s free hand moved to dance along Ennoshita side and under his shirt. The boy thrashed above him in a fit of high pitched giggles, pulling at the offending hand. So, second best discovery? Ennoshita was _ticklish_. He wiggled away from the offending hand all the while trying to pull it off, long forgetting about the sweatpants he was so dead set on retrieving. Tanaka continued this torture only a minute longer before their laughter slowly died down, staring at each other with panting grins and giggle-made abs. Tanaka was about to speak up, with what he had no clue - words dying as Ennoshita beat him to the punch, yanking away his lounge pants that Tanaka held hostage above his head.

“Thank you!” Ennoshita hummed triumphantly, standing up and getting off of Tanaka, stepping into the pants and pulling them up. Without hassle he was able to finally slip into his bed, feeling how it sank under the weight as Tanaka attempted to join him. With a smirk, Ennoshita shooed him off. “No, no. Absolutely not. You don't deserve to sleep on my bed.”

With a quirked eyebrow and a matching smirk, Tanaka continued onto the bed anyways. “Oh? I don't deserve to, huh? How come?” He was sure he saw Ennoshita squinting at him, but he didn't mind.

“How come?” Ennoshita repeated, “Probably because you wouldn't give me back my pants!” he crossed his arms and turned away from Tanaka who made himself comfortable right beside Ennoshita. No sense for personal space, as per usual.

“Hm,” Tanaka hummed thoughtfully, “I see, you have a point, _but -_ ”

“ _But?_ ”

“ _But_ , you shouldn’t have thrown your pants at me in the first place.” They continued to bicker like that, Ennoshita threatening to push Tanaka off his bed again multiple times without much fight behind the words. 

 

***


	6. Guilt: pt. 2

The room fell quiet again, the two getting situated in Ennoshita’s bed. Ennoshita found comfort much sooner than Tanaka did. He shifted and squirmed, tossed and turned before going still with a frustrated sigh. Then there was more jostling and suddenly the warmth of Tanaka's body was pressed to Ennoshita’s back, making him tense for a second, registering that Tanaka was spooning him.

“Um,” Ennoshita cleared his throat as an arm snaked its way around his waist, pulling him closer, “what are you doing?”

Tanaka didn't answer right away, instead he focused on getting as close as he could. Not that Ennoshita necessarily minded… but he felt a little guilty using Tanaka’s friendly touchy-feeliness for his own advantage. It made him feel warm, like he was in a constant state of comfort and love. He knew it was just Tanaka being his usual friendly self, but it was helping more than he'd like Tanaka to know.

“What's it look like?” Tanaka finally responded, his question mumbled into Ennoshita’s hair, making his heart jump to his throat. “I'm gettin’ comfy.”

“Oh,” was all Ennoshita could say to that, “o- okay.”

Silence followed tensely, not that it seemed to bother Tanaka. Within minutes, his friend was passed out, face buried between Ennoshita’s shoulder blades and arms wrapped around him with no chance for escape. With a quiet sigh, listening to Tanaka's not-so-soft snores, Ennoshita's hands drifted over the arms that held him tightly. Tanaka’s snores hitched for a second, making him quickly bring his hands away. 

After a few long, silent moments, Ennoshita finally found himself drifting off as well.

***

Ennoshita cracked an eye open to the sun shining through his window obnoxiously. He wasn't sure what surprised him more -- that he didn't have any trouble sleeping, or that throughout the night Tanaka’s arms never once left where they curled around his waist. 

Ennoshita closed his eyes again, guilt flooding through his core and nearly overflowing into his throat. He wanted to revel in Tanaka’s embrace, the way he felt at home, the way it was warm and comforting and wasn't even a second-thought… but knowing himself, if he let himself do that, he'd overthink Tanaka’s over-friendly gestures. Ennoshita couldn't afford that when didn't have the mental or emotional strength to handle failing school or failing hobbies, let alone a crush. If he lost Tanaka as a friend, Ennoshita honestly wasn't sure what he'd do. Perhaps he was being dramatic, but... Tanaka was a support system, whether Tanaka knew it or not, and Ennoshita wasn't about to scare him off with declaring just how much he means.

He was overthinking nonetheless, pinching the bridge of his nose as his mind throbbed behind his eyes. Yeah, he just… couldn't handle a crush right now. He couldn't deny that he liked Tanaka, but Ennoshita had too much on his plate to take on worrying about feelings for another person. 

Yesterday still gnawed at him. He had never seen a teacher be so disappointed in him and his work. It was a long time coming, but it still strangled his mind and throat. How could he let this happen? He's better than this. Or… at least he was. He _thought_ he was, anyways. 

His depressing monologue was interrupted when a loud snore erupted from behind him, nearly causing him to fall off the bed like Tanaka had many times the night before. However, falling wouldn’t have been possible any how with the secure grip of arms around him. Gingerly, Ennoshita placed his hands over Tanaka’s arms, running his hands over them. Part of him tried to reason that he should just let himself enjoy the attention, that it would make him feel better if he just tried, but he knew better. Whatever he was feeling wasn’t just a cure-all with affection. He did enjoy it, but not to the full extent that he wished he wanted to.

Tanaka left after lunch, almost reluctant to leave Ennoshita alone seeing as his mother wouldn’t be home until late. Ennoshita just assured him with a big smile, shooing him out. Once he sat himself in the living room, he realized almost instantly how alone he felt, but he had to send Tanaka home. He surely had other things to do on a Saturday than be surrounded by Ennoshita’s self pity - at least that’s what Ennoshita tried to tell himself. They were friends, sure, but they’re weren’t as close as Ennoshita would like to think. Tanaka had Noya, and come to think about it… even his own friends Narita and Kinoshita were closer with each other than they were with him. Maybe not by much, but the divide was there.

Ennoshita was alone, in more ways than one. In more ways than he cared to admit to himself, because if he did… if he did come to full terms with his exclusion, well-- he shook his head. He’s not gonna worry about it. Not now when there was work to be done.  
Back in his room, he sat at his desk with his old shitty excuse for an essay sprawled beside him. He appreciated Kobayashi-sensei had faith that he knew better, really, but right now he wished her deadly remarks would decorate his essay right about now, and give him some guidance. Nonetheless, he forced himself to get to work, successfully writing a passable few paragraphs after an hour. He wasn't going to push himself any further, instead he pulled away from his laptop in favor of sliding back into his bed. It probably wasn't healthy to give in to sleeping so much, but he was just too tired, both physically and emotionally. 

Plus, sleeping was much better than being left conscious with his ever unappealing thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the support so far! This fic is very important to me as a creator. The updates will only get slow from here since I'm still writing the climax and conclusion.  
> I want to give a formal warning that the next chapter will describe brief depictions of self harm. Seeing as a majority of the chapter will be very intense with graphic mentions of blood, anxiety, and hospitalization, I would highly advise against reading if any of those things are genuine triggers. I will post another warning with the next chapter. I know these topic are very intense, I just want everyone to be safe and to know I am not writing this to alarm anyone. I've been through the same thing and I wanted to write about it through a character who I feel would best relate to this.   
> Thank you again for the read <333


	7. Numb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter are depictions of intense anxiety, medication overdosing, self harm (cutting), and blood.   
> Please, if ANY of these things make you uncomfortable please skip from:  
> **Shutting himself in the bathroom, Ennoshita shucked off his school uniform...  
> to:  
> **...He's been waiting for it.

This is bad. This is really bad. Ennoshita had better time management than this, but here he was, almost a week and a half since going to volleyball practice, finding himself heading home to hole up in his room instead, spending a few hours working on a more than acceptable essay. He had until the upcoming Friday and he was close to being done. Thankfully, it was turning out better and better as each day passed, but there was no energy left for other tasks… like remembering to eat, to socialize, to do his homework, and his responsibility as the future team captain to show up to volleyball practice. Anxious now as he was being called from his homeroom to speak with coach Ukai and Takeda-sensei. He could only imagine their disappointment, not that disappointment is anything new with him as of late. 

He met Takeda-sensei and Ukai outside the 2nd Gym, where the volleyball team usually practiced. Ennoshita looked between the two men and bowed his head. Takeda-sensei was the first to speak, his hands clasped together and his face full of pure sympathy, “Ennoshita-kun, I'm afraid we have some… bad news. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this but we're worried about the volleyball club being too much for you to juggle at the moment, with finals coming up and you trying to correct your grades…”  
Ennoshita didn't hear the rest of Takeda-sensei’s rambling, fists clenching at his side as his mind warped and he struggled to register the words.

They were kicking him off the volleyball team.

All too fast, through wide eyes, tears streamed down his cheeks. His knuckles clicked with the squeeze of his fists. Takeda-sensei was on him instantly, trying to comfort him, and he felt stupid. He felt stupid for crying, for being incapable, for being a disappointment. How was he ever going to be the next captain if he couldn't balance practice and school. If he couldn't do anything right.

It was only a few loose tears, so he assured Takeda he would be fine, _it's just the stress, yes I'll be okay, no you're right I do need a break, I'm sorry for causing a fuss_. Takeda reluctantly backed off, but Ukai’s eyes narrowed in on him in suspicion, not quite buying it. Nevertheless, they excused him off to class and Ennoshita didn't pay attention in a single one after the encounter. He couldn't. His focus was purely on trying not to cry, gripping the edge of the desk with white knuckles like he might fly away if he let go. 

Once the final bell rang, relieving the students from school for the day, he darted past the bustling crowd wanting to hurry and leave before Tanaka could spot him. He wanted to be alone right now. 

Ennoshita’s mother was working late once again, leaving him with his thoughts churning over in his head. _He just wasn't good enough._ Not like their captain, who everyone looked up to, who everyone respected and wanted to be like. How was he going to live up to that kind of title if he couldn't get his shit together? He was failing at a hobby he loved— he _used_ to love, now seeming like a chore that took hours to complete. Eating was a hassle, school was getting complicated, and he was out of energy to go to volleyball practice. Not like it mattered, anyways. Ennoshita would be nothing more than a benchwarmer, there's no way he could be a captain like Daichi-san. Did it really even matter if he was around? The sudden numbing dread enveloped him, his wrists growing cold, itching, aching…

 

***

 

****** Shutting himself in the bathroom, Ennoshita shucked off his school uniform. He was panting, nearly hyperventilating as his heart raced, each pulse throbbing in his veins painfully. It was as if his depression, his sadness, his loneliness, his everything in him had taken a sharp physical form beneath his skin and was trying to claw its way out. Fuck, he had to get it out of him. Quickly, he scavenged the medicine cabinet behind the mirror, pulling out anything and everything to do with pain reliever. Year old prescriptions, ibuprofen, tylenol, _anything_. He needed it. He also needed this. Carefully cupped in his hands was a small blade to an x-acto tool, the handle long gone and the blade hidden diligently in the corner of the cabinet. It’s been a year, his inner thighs marked with faded and hidden healing scars.

**As he held the tiny blade in shaky hands, his wrists tingled, the pain still pounding throughout him. He leaned back against the wall before slowly sliding down to sit on the cold linoleum, Ennoshita forced his breathing to slow. All he heard now was the ticking off the clock just outside the bathroom door and his heart beating in his ears. Swallowing hard, he pressed the thin blade into his arm and pushed hard, watching as it easily glided in his skin. As it stung and blood pooled to the surface, Ennoshita closed his eyes, head tilted back on the wall with a thunk, a sigh of relief leaving him. 

He wasn’t even close to being done yet.

Ennoshita wasn't sure what he felt when the drowsiness set in. Relieved? Peaceful? He wasn't sure just how much medication he swallowed down either. All those different pills leaving him numb and so very, very tired. Ennoshita realized just how tired he's been all these years. He realized he was content with the way his eyes fogged over and the way the world seemed to spin. He realized he was content with death. He was ready for it.

He's been waiting for it.


	8. Too Much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter are graphic depictions of blood.   
> Please, if ANY of these things make you uncomfortable please skip from:  
> **God, Tanaka was not ready, his throat drying at the sight before him...  
> to:  
> **...As the ambulance arrived and medics piled into the house and the upper story bathroom, he was reluctant to let go.

Tanaka peered over the crowd of students leaving the school as best he could, pushing himself onto the tips of his toes to see better, but no luck. He couldn’t find Ennoshita. The two had agreed to meet up after school today, Tanaka willingly skipping practice one last time to study for finals like they promised. Although, Ennoshita did seem rather out of it when they were making the plans. He probably forgot so - it wouldn’t hurt to call or text him and ask to reschedule right?

Ten unreceived messages and twenty missed calls later and Tanaka was starting to feel worried. He made his way to the gym to see if Ennoshita possibly decided to go to practice today but he wasn't there either. He approached Ukai to ask if he knew Ennoshita’s whereabouts, to which the coach only clicked his tongue and shook his head.

“You're not gonna find him here. We excused him from the volleyball team until he was ready to handle school work and practice. He's probably at home—”

“You _what_!?” Tanaka questioned a little too loud, a little too harshly. “I mean, sure he hasn't been at practice in a while but that doesn't mean--” Tanaka was _definitely_ worried now. 

He didn't let Ukai explain himself further, instead rushing out the door and sprinting as fast as his legs would carry him. The adrenaline in him keeping him moving until he was at Ennoshita’s front door, almost skidding to a stop. As Tanaka tried to catch his breath, hunched over with one hand on his knee, he reached up with his other hand to knock at the door.

No answer.

Tanaka swallowed his breaths, standing a little straighter, knocking a little harder.

No answer.

He called Ennoshita’s name, rapping at the door harder, louder, his knuckles aching as he beat the door. Was Ennoshita even here? 

With one hand knocking on the door, he pulled out his phone with the other and called Ennoshita a few more times. When that didn't work, he finally tried the doorknob, watching with wide-eyed concern how the door gave and swung open. _Why wasn't it locked?_

“Hello? Chikara? You home?” He searched briskly around the house, checking almost every room, every nook and cranny… but nada. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Then, once his racing heart slowed to a reasonably unsteady beat, Tanaka heard the hiss of running water. Upstairs.

_The bathroom?_

“Chika?” Tanaka called again, now reaching for the knob, assuming it would be unlocked like the front door. Sadly, that wasn't the case. Ennoshita still wasn't answering, water was running, and Tanaka was really starting to freak out now. 

He pressed himself against the wall across from the bathroom to give himself room in order to kick at the door, right next to the handle. Tanaka kicked again, and again, then charged forward with his shoulder. _Dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammit!_ He _could_ just call 911, but what if it was just all a big misunderstanding? Tanaka turned over in his head on whether it was worth it to be safe rather than sorry but decided against it for now. Then he was back to kicking against the door and it's knob, four more kicks using all his strength and the door finally, _finally_ slammed open and...

God, Tanaka was not ready, his throat drying at the sight before him.

In the bathroom, lying on the floor clad only in his boxers was Ennoshita, surrounded by pools of blood, seemingly unresponsive. _Dammit, this was not the time to freeze up, I need to help_. He forced himself to shake away the panic, and kneeled down beside Ennoshita’s unconscious body, slumped on his side in a similar fashion as a rag doll. Tanaka carefully lifted Ennoshita’s head. Biting his lip as he diligently plucked Ennoshita’s hands and placed them over his chest, once crossed over the other. Tanaka flinched away from the thought that he looked like a corpse, but the panic set in again anyways. He started calling Ennoshita’s name, getting louder and louder each time, trying to shake him awake.

“Come on, Chika,” Tanaka laughed weakly, tears starting to slide down his face, one by one until he was almost sobbing. “You've got to wake up, Chika, it- it's not like you to skip out on studying-” a hiccup, a sniffle, “come on, Chikara!” He knew he couldn’t keep shaking Ennoshita, it wouldn’t do anything helpful. Tanaka had to call someone. Pulling his phone out and nearly shucking it across the bathroom with the quick movement. His hands scrambled to save it, finally cradling the phone steady enough to call for an ambulance. 

It wasn't too long of a call, mostly filled with the calm voice of the dispatcher and Tanaka sobbing and yelling. He wanted to be calm, he really did, but he couldn't. Someone he cared for was dying and he was practically grasping at strings. There was just _so much blood._ It painted the tiles and flooded between the cracks and crevices, it flowed down Ennoshita’s forearms, now staining and smearing across his chest.

Tanaka needed to slow the bleeding more than this… with what? With… with towels! Towels! Of course, he needed towels! He ungracefully slipped some upon the tiles as he clambered to his feet, fleeing the small room in search for a few towels from the hallway closet that was thankfully diagonally placed across from the bathroom. He grabbed a bundle of towels and hurried back. The first two towels he wrapped around Ennoshita’s torn up arms, one for his chest where his arms were placed, then the rest were scattered along the floor.

“It's okay, Chika, it will be okay,” Tanaka said, though he wasn't sure if he was really trying to convince Ennoshita’s unconscious body or himself, he wasn't sure if it even mattered at this point, but he kept on with repeating it. Over and over again like a mantra, going so far as to straddle over Ennoshita and pull him into an embrace. He didn't care if he ended up covered in blood, he just held Ennoshita tight, rocking back and forth slowly.

“It's okay, it will be okay. You'll be okay. You'll be okay, won't you? Please, please, _please be okay._ ” Tanaka cooed the mantra as he held the boy in his arms. His face buried in Ennoshita’s shoulder, cradling the boy's head with one hand. His other hand pressing against his back and holding him as close as he could, as tight as he could, thinking maybe the pressure from the hug would mean a chance to slow the bleeding. Right? 

_Right?_

As the ambulance arrived and medics piled into the house and the upper story bathroom, he was reluctant to let go. Tanaka wasn't aware he was grossly sobbing, crying into Ennoshita’s shoulder until gentle hands pulled him away. Then hands were lifting Ennoshita onto a lowered gurney and hands were trying to sooth him. Hands were patting and rubbing his back, arms were wrapped around him, but it wasn’t enough to calm him down. He didn't remember much from the distorted hassle of moving medics except the blaring lights from the vehicle and clouded voices repeatedly asking if he was hurt, if he was okay. He remembered being denied riding with Ennoshita, he remembered begging with a hoarse voice until they pitied him enough to let him get in.

The ride was torturous, nurses and paramedics talking over each other, checking vitals and attempting to stabilize them. The siren of the vehicle was loud, mixed with the voices around him sounded like too much. Way too much. The city lights just outside zipped by, the bright lights inside of the ambulance nearly blinded him. He didn’t remember staring into them, but suddenly he was blinking away, false shapes obscuring his line of sight. 

He didn’t remember falling asleep either, but suddenly he was being gently shaken awake. 

Everything still had an unearthly atmosphere as he carefully stepped out of the vehicle. He stood by quietly as the doctors and nurses did what they needed to do to get Ennoshita to ready and in a room. Someone was talking to him but the words weren’t reaching, they weren’t _connecting_. Everything was happening all at once and and it was so much, it was too much. He still had so many questions, so many _whys, wheres,_ and _hows_. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to ask, leaving him standing alone, dazed and confused; he was surrounded by doctors and nurses and the like, all rushing past him in every which direction. Some were heading down the hallway Ennoshita was carried off to, some heading elsewhere. The sounds of machines trying to out-beep one another was too much, everything was too much. The sound, the people, the lights. 

All too suddenly, everything came to a stop. Tanaka opened his eyes and he was seated in the waiting room, which seemed… perfectly normal. There was an old man reading today’s newspaper, a mother and her daughter biding time with some outdated women’s catalogs, a TV suspended from the wall playing reruns of 1970’s game shows, and an overworked secretary secluded behind a rounded desk. It didn’t feel right that these people were so calm and collected when his friend was behind those double doors, close to dying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :')
> 
> I hope everyone has an amazing New Year, I'll be working on the next chapters now...

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for the read, I hope you enjoy it so far! Things only get worse from here! :')


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